A wandering soul

Once again Robin has taken off, and I am sick and tired of this stupid "pity me" thing he keeps trying to put in our heads. I love the man to death, and I wouldn't rather have any other father in the world...But I can only take so much of this shit from him.

Okay, first he just leaves with out telling my mom, over a counselors appointment. He could have just said- "I don't want to go." or "I want to stay home." or something! No. He has to run. That has been his hobby lately, he leaches to his own selfish state of mind, like he doesn't care about anything anymore. He left before him and my mother's first year anniversary. He left before thanksgiving...There is most certainly a pattern in his disappearances. I believe that he can't deal with the embarrassment of the family seeing him like this. He doesn't want to answer all of those questions, or see all of those strange looks and gestures. He just wants to be alone, and perhaps being so alone that he is driven to the point of suicide.

Today my mom took myself, and David, a friend of ours, to Kolob mountain. We weren't just up there to enjoy the scenery. We were looking in cliff areas in which he may have decided to drive off of. I still don't see how he could even think about doing these things...He even told my mom a little while ago that he didn't want to live anymore. It almost seems like he has lost all of his ambition, all of his emotion, just ripped off and let go into the wind. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out, yet no pain really has come to me yet. Maybe I just haven't felt the aftershock of it all yet. Who knows....

As I was up on those mountains looking out at the beautiful landscape I wondered. If Robin is still out there somewhere, what is going through his mind right now? Does he even want to come back home? I mean this is the third time he has done this...Does that mean he is going to strike out? End it all? I can't help but wonder, even though I hate imagining what he could have done to himself. I just miss the old days, when everything was okay. He was upbeat, loving, spiritual, and intellectual. I remember if I had a question, he would always have some kind of answer, even if he didn't really know what the answer really was. He was giving, and humble. God...I miss those days. It seems strange that he would just flip around to this evil state. Why someone like him? I guess he has lived an amazing life. He has done it all, to acting, producing, radio talkshow, teacher, musician, writer, mountain man, you name it, he's done it.

Well, thankful we never found him in Kolob. I don't know what it would have been like to find my own stepdad dead somewhere.....The outing was actually pretty nice. It kept our minds off of it all for a bit, being able to see all of the spectacular views, and smell the fresh air. My mom even made a stop at a home out in the middle of a field of wheat. Apparently he was an old friend of hers she had known from a while back. Polite, odd, and British. This guy makes things out of metal, he has a passion for the arts, and he makes anything out of anything. His home was painted in bright colors that all correlated. Every wall was something new, he built his home, including everything in it.

When the three of us (Myself, David, and my mom) stepped in the house, to our surprise there was a full table of people eating dinner. They all greeted us with warming smiles and let us come in. I was even offered for someone to take my coat. I mean really, MY COAT! God, I haven't been treated like that in a long time. heh. Though I didn't give her my coat....I enjoy keeping my things close to me. Well we all sat around and spoke with the people, exchanged interests, and enjoyed pleasant conversation. It was pretty relaxing. We even played some music on the guitar that Sara, a guest to the dinner, had brought. Even Sara played us a few songs, she is quite talented, and a beginner, like myself (well at least the beginner part for me..). It was pretty fun I suppose. It definitely kept my mind off of things for a while. But eventually we all had to make our way back home. I can only hope the best for Robin's sake...I wish that he would do the same, and return back into his life with us. I don't want to lose him.