The Holidays

Christmas is tommorow and I honestly don't really feel the holiday spirit...sometimes it seems like holidays are just a waste of time and money. Somtimes it just seems like the industries are just in it for the money, and the real meaning has been lost somewhere in the ways of modern society...But you know what? That's just the way the cookie crumbles. Be it a religous, santaful, or a greedy one, I wish you all the best holiday time, even if it is a load of crud to think about...*sigh* but getting free stuff is alright, whateva. If you feel the need to get me somthing then....YOUR WRONG! heh. actually I don't really care, we don't have that much money so I wont be able to get most of the gifts first off, so don't be offended if I don't have something for you.
I also think it is increadibly rude to press people for gifts after they haven't gotten you anything. Infact, I know some people that do just that same thing. I wont put out any names or anything, but if you are that person, and you know for a fact that it is you....then you should really clean up your act man! Getting gifts from people should be a compassionate heart filled one! Not just some filler that you will end up throwing out anyway. Freakn' Crap! It is the same with all gifts, from birthdays, Christmas, even to valentines..you have always been there to nag me for me for your present or candy, Thank you...even though I didn't mean it, thank you anyway man, you are a real dedicated jerk! I am sorry if you are reading this now my friend, I know you know who you are.
Well, for you guys that are interested, I am going to be performing at the Electric Theature, on the celebration held in St. George called "first night," with the band I am [kind of] a part of, it consists of my mom, her sister, and a friend of ours named Kurtis.. I am going to be playing the drums for all of the numbers I am not playing the guitar and singing to. YEAH YEAH I know it sounds kinda lame to be in a band with your parent, but hey, whatch me biotch :) There is also going to be a friend of ours named Dave Dalton, who has his own one man band called "Frydice" he will be performing with our group as well. Each of us will only be playing a few of our soungs, so I have been stressing over which ones to play -_-...Over the course of an hour long show, we will have to narrow it down to the best of the best. I am not entirely sure what time it starts at, but I will be sure to post once I find out. You guys should come down! Surport us! This will our first show at the electric theature.
See you then!

Rison

It seemed only yesterday I saw my step dad...he was acting so normal, so much happier. Before Thanksgiving, Robin and some of the family (including myself) were enjoying a breakfast and JB's together. He made jokes, he laughed...yet his intentions would all boil down to this, overdoseing on the anti-depressant pills, perscribed to him to help, but instead used to kill himself with. To think that he is not with us anymore, I can't fathom what was really SO bad in his life that he had to end it all. He had made so many accomplishments in life, and touched so many other's hearts. He was a pillar in so many people's lives, I guess so much pressure and dependece was laid apon him, and it just built to much for his fragile mind and body to handle.

I saw his body at the mortuary a few days ago...I saw his lifeless, dead body..I couldn't even stand without swaying or shaking, I fell back into one of the chairs that was in the small room. Seeing his sunken in face, and swollen body laying there was a real reallity check. Robin is dead. I was so shocked that it finally hit me, I couldn't even breathe. My mouth quivered, and my eyes flooded with tears. He didn't deserve to be so unhappy...

After my mom, my aunt Dianna, David, and I saw his body, we were driven by a Michelle, a friend of ours, to the place he decided to end his life. He was in a place near Oak Grove when he was found, it is up in the mountains around pine valley. The place had spectacular views, the mountain ranges could be seen for hundreds of miles surrounding the place. It was majestic and surreal..in a way, it was a dignified place to die.

On the way from the camp sight he was at, we saw some rocks on the side of the road that had been arranged so it spelled out a word. Michelle said that she had seen that word there years ago, but she could never tell what it said. I looked at it for a while thinking, it looks like the word...run? no..rain?...no. It felt more like I heard the word in my head than saw it there "Rison" I said aloud. Everyone looked at me surprised, "oh my god! it does say rison!" My mom liked that idea. Michelle told me I had a -good eye- we all stood around and looked at the views and the rock word for a bit longer, then headed back home. Who ever placed those rocks there had no idea that we would see them. They probably just had there own inside meaning reason to do it. But somehow, it felt like we were meant to see it there, and take in the message.

Final Road

There isn't much I have to say about the mater...but my step dad Robin was found, dead. He couldn't handle the pressures of his life anymore, so he went up into the mountains on Thanksgiving and took all of his pills at once. His body was found on Saturday, December 11th, in a place near Oak Grove. I will always remember the times I had with him, and live on my life in the way he would have wanted me too. My love for him will never die, even if he does.

Here I am again...

Right now I am in school without anything to really be doing. What is the purpose of all of us colaberating like sheep? Day in and day out...the same thing. I know there is a point, but god, it gets SO overpowering sometimes -_-...I always sit in class and day dream, "what could I be doing right now?" Yet all I can do is sit there as people feed me exactlly what I am supposed to know in life. I would love to go outside and feel the hot sun on my back as I stare at the green trees, and smell the sweet fresh air. But now it is winter time and I have to stay inside most of the time :(
Life has become so complecated in these past decades. The society has programmed us to believe how our lives are supposed to be. "If you don't go to college you will have a hard time in life." I don't even know if I want to go to college or not. Most people say its the only thing that will get you by in life...but why? Why does our lives rest apon such a thing? I don't even know what I want to be when I choose a profession. I have never even liked labelling myself, and in a why I feel like I am when I am put on the spot about my future....so blah